20062006

Years come and go...
But today is a special day...
*20062006* Double match...
Once in a lifetime offer...
I hope you have a wonderful day!

Yeah, bull shits.

Fairy Tales

not 1 or 2...I have 200 of them...get, set...go!

Grimm's Fairy Tales

A Man in a Balloon

A man in a hot air balloon realized that he was lost.
He reduced his altitude and spotted a woman below. He
descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you
help me? I promised a friend that I would meet him an
hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon
hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and
between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist," everything you told
me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea
what to make of your information. The fact is, I'm
still lost. Frankly, you haven't been much help at
all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded, "You must be a manager."

"I am," replied the balloonist, " but how did you
know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are
or where you're going. You have risen to where you
are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a
promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you
expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The
fact is that you are exactly in the same position you
were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my
fault."

Awesome. need I say something?
I also recall reading a very nice article in the Forbes magazine on a similar note. It was in jest yet a very purposeful one. I will give the links as soon as I get hold of it.

Update: Got the link...

Why your boss is overpaid?

Sample this - The ugly truth is that your boss is probably overpaid--and it's for your benefit, not his. Why? It might be because he isn't being paid for the work he does but, rather, to inspire you. In other words, we work our socks off in underpaying jobs in the hope that one day we'll win the rat race and become overpaid fat cats ourselves. Economists call this "tournament theory."

The Mouse Story

I received this as a forward from somebody. Normally these kind of mails are nearly spams and I delete them before I open one. This one somehow fitted with some of the happenings in my life, may be that's why I liked it. Anyway, here u go...

The Mouse Story

A mouse looked through the
crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife open a package.

"What food might this contain?" The mouse wondered -
he was devastated to discover it was a mousetrap.

Retreating to the farmyard,
the mouse proclaimed the
warning to all his 'friends'.

"There is a mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap
in the house!"

The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and
said, "Mouse, I can tell this is a grave concern to you
but it is of no consequence to me.
I cannot be bothered by it."

The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a
mousetrap in the house! There is a mousetrap in the house!"

The pig sympathized, but said,
"I am so very sorry, Mouse,
but there is nothing I can do about it but pray.
Be assured you are in my prayers."

The mouse turned to the cow and said, "There is a
mousetrap in the house!
There is a mousetrap in the house!"

The cow said, "Wow, Mr. Mouse.
I'm sorry for you,
but it's no skin off my nose."

So, the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected,
to face the farmer's mousetrap-- alone.

That very night a sound was heard throughout the house --
like the sound of a mousetrap catching its prey.

The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught. In the
darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake
whose tail the trap had caught.

The snake bit the farmer's wife.
The farmer rushed her to the hospital and she returned home with a fever.
Everyone knows you treat a fever with fresh chicken soup,
so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's
main ingredient.

But his wife's sickness continued,
so friends and neighbors came
to sit with her around the clock.
To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig.

The farmer's wife did not get well; she died.
So many people came
for her funeral, the farmer
had the cow slaughtered to provide enough meat for all of them.

The mouse looked upon it all from his crack in the wall with great sadness.

So, the next time you hear someone is facing a problem and think it doesn't concern you,
well, think again!

We are all involved in this journey called life.
We must keep an eye out for one another and make an extra effort to encourage one another.

REMEMBER: Each of us is a VITAL thread in another person's tapestry; Our lives are woven together for a reason.

One of the best things to hold onto in this world is a friend.
Amen.

A little bit of Laugh...

All hell breaks loose!

The following is an actual question given on a University of
Washington chemistry final exam:

"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's
Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is
compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in
time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell
and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume
that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no
souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the
different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these
religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you
will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions
and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can
project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and
death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell
to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because
Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure
in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls
are added.

This gives us two possibilities:

1 - If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will
increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2 - Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will
drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan
during my Freshman year "That it will be a cold night in Hell
before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I
still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then,
#2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic."

The student got the only A.



Surrogate Father...

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to
start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.
Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here
soon".

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning madam. You don't know me, but I've come
to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs Smith cut
in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a
specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have
a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one
on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living
room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry
and me.

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.
But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or
seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs
Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love
to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with
that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!" Mrs Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio
of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in
downtown London."

"Oh my!!" Mrs Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider
their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer
handed Mrs Smith the picture.

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to
get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five
deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs Smith, eyes widened in
amazement.

"Yes," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours
too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could
hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my
shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment I
just packed it all in."

Mrs Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on
your, er..,um.., ah.... equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my
tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??" Mrs Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam?
Madam?

Good Grief, she's fainted!!


Time to thank your stars...seriously.

Hustle Rant looks at your stars for a special, year round valid
horoscope. If you did not believe before that your fate is
inextricably linked to the stars, now you will.

Aquarius - January 20 to February 18.

You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.
You lie a great deal. On the other hand you tend to be careless and
impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes again and again.
People think you are stupid.

Pisces - February 19 to March 20.

You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being
followed by MI5 of the Special Branch. You have minor influence
over your associates and people resent you flaunting your power.
You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people do
terrible things to small animals.

Aries - March 21 to April 19.

You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You
are quick tempered, impatient and scornful of people. You are not
very nice.

Taurus - April 20 to May 20.

You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged
determination and work like a bull. Most people think you are
stubborn and bull headed. You are a communist.

Gemini - May 21 to June 20.

You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you.
However, you are inclined to expect too much from too little. This
means you are cheap. Geminis are known for commiting incest.

Cancer - June 21 to July 22.

You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's
problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting
things off. That's why you'll never make anything out of yourself.
Most people on the dole are Cancer.

Leo - July 23 to August 22.

You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy.
Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike honest
criticism. Your arrogence is disgusting. Leo people are
thieves.

Virgo - August 23 to September 22.

You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit picking is
sickening your freinds. You are cold, unemotional and sometimes
fall asleep when you are making love. Virgos make good bus
drivers.

Libra - September 23 to October 22.

You are the artistic type and have difficulty with reality.
Chances of monetary gain are excellent. Most Libra women are
prostitutes. All Libra people die of veneral disease.

Scorpio - October 23 to November 21.

You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will
acheive the pinnacle of succss because of your total lack of
ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered.

Saggitarius - November 22 to December 21.

You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless
tendancy to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority of
Saggitarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People laugh at you
a great deal.

Capricorn - December 23 to January 19.

You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do
much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of
much importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still too long as
they take root and turn into trees.



15 Degrees...


This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US
naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland
in October 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations
10-10-95.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to
avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the
South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ENTERPRISE,THE
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES
NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE
UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.



Letter from College...

Dear Mother and Dad,

It has been nearly three months since I left for college. I have
been remiss in writing, and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness
in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now; but,
before you read on, please sit down. You are not to read any
further unless you are sitting down. Okay.

Well, then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull
fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window
of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are
pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital, and
now I can see almost normally and only get those sick headaches
once a day.

Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were
witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he
was the one who called the Fire Department and the ambulance. He
also visited me at the hospital; and, since I had nowhere to live
because of the burnt out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me
to share his apartment with him. It's really a basement room, but
it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy, and we have fallen deeply
in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact
date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are
looking forward to being grandparents, and I know you will welcome
the baby and give it the same love and devotion you gave me when I
was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my
boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing
our premarital blood tests, and I carelessly caught it from him.
This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am now
taking daily.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He
is kind; and, although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although
he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your
oft-expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the
fact that his skin color is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure
you will love him as I do. His family background is good too, for I
am told that his father is an important gun bearer in the village
in Africa from which he comes.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that
there was no dormitory fire, I did not get a concussion or a skull
fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not
engaged, I do not have syphilis, and there is no one in my life.
However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in Science, and I
wanted you to see these marks in the proper perspective.

Your loving daughter,

Edna

Another way of printing a document!

I know you little, I love you lots

I know you little but I love you lots,
My love for you could fill ten pots,
fifteen buckets, sixteen cans,
three teacups and four dishpans.

- Shel Silverstein.